Adultolescence Read online

  toss it around like a hacky sack,

  punt it across the street to your buddy

  who then takes it to the train station and lays it on the tracks

  for a high-five with the next oncoming locomotive,

  play a game of tennis with it in place of a ball,

  send it through a washing machine with bricks,

  dance on it in high heels in a puddle of liquor—

  and it’s fine.

  but the second you drop it half a foot

  from your plush bed to your carpeted floor

  atop your cashmere rug,

  it shatters.

  this is a very millennial metaphor

  for the human psyche.

  IDOL

  CHEATER

  i accidentally used your toothbrush today,

  but i didn’t mind,

  ’cause it’s the closest i can get to your kiss.

  then i remembered where

  your mouth has been,

  and i got really fucking pissed.

  TIME

  isn’t is funny

  how you can go your entire life

  without someone

  then one day

  you can’t imagine a minute

  without them

  BIRD

  i jumped today and i survived.

  everyone assumed that i wanted to die;

  i just wanted to know what it’s like to fly.

  CHIVALRY

  i’m not some no-brained bimbo

  and i’m not some helpless girl.

  i am fucking remarkable

  and i deserve the world.

  i don’t need you to open my door,

  but the gesture would be nice.

  i don’t need you to buy my meal;

  the offer would suffice.

  i don’t need to be taken care of,

  but it’d be cool to know you care.

  i’m a holographic charizard:

  highly desired and rare.

  yo,

  i even drop pokémon references

  ’cause i’m fuckin’ dope as shit.

  i’m good with just me, i don’t need you

  not even a tiny bit.

  but need and want are different

  and i can’t deny the latter.

  when it comes to you, autonomy

  just really doesn’t matter.

  but i don’t ask for all your time

  or my weight in gold.

  all i want is a good-morning text

  and a fucking hand to hold.

  of all the things i listed,

  just know this to be true:

  i want you in my life, my love,

  as much as i don’t need you.

  ADVICE 5

  beware of the power of persuasion one time i

  convinced an entire table of ppl that a piece of

  chocolate pie tasted like mac & cheese like they all

  agreed it was nuts anyway dont believe everything u

  hear be ur own person think 4 urself

  VOMIT

  how is it:

  you can throw up from a food you love

  and all of a sudden hate it

  regardless of all the other times

  you enjoyed yourself when you ate it,

  but for some reason:

  hearts don’t work like gag reflexes;

  when it comes to people we care for,

  we’ll just keep right on indulging and

  let them make us sick over and over.

  PETS

  a cute little dog! a cute little puppy!

  mommy will get me one if i’m lucky!

  i’ll walk him and love him and watch him grow!

  he’ll fetch and bring back the ball that i throw!

  a cute little fishy! a cute little fish

  in a cute little bowl with bright rocks is my wish!

  i’ll sprinkle a bit of his little fish feed

  and he’ll gobble it up with his guppy-mouth greed!

  a cute little kitty! a cute little cat!

  he’ll arch up his back and chase a fat rat!

  he’ll be moody and lazy and take a sun bath,

  i’ll give him some catnip when i need a laugh!

  i love all my pets! i love them so dearly!

  they’re my best friends, truly, sincerely!

  i’ll keep getting pets even though i cry

  every time my cute little bestie dies!

  CONTINUED

  pets are weird. people getting pets are weird.

  think about it.

  we choose these creatures to love and care for.

  they become our best friends, our children,

  the furry shoulder to cry on when no one else is around.

  you depend on one another and you fill their bowl.

  they need to eat, we need to feed our soul.

  we teach them tricks and make them do “people things.”

  we post photos online and include them on our christmas cards.

  we can’t believe we could love a thing so much,

  and they become an unwavering emotional crutch.

  we build an uncomplicated, pure, everlasting love,

  and we do this all knowing damn well

  that this precious little beast will, more likely than not,

  die long before us.

  we become so connected to this . . . being

  with full knowledge that someday,

  we will lose them.

  we will miss them.

  we will hurt.

  we will suffer.

  but we knew this.

  we knew this before we went to Petco in the first place.

  but still we went.

  and still we loved.

  and still they died.

  and still we hurt.

  CUT

  her hand trembled around the sharp, cold metal

  as she looked at her distorted face in the mirror:

  “just do it,”

  she told her reflection.

  “don’t do it,”

  her reflection replied.

  “come on, pussy!”

  she shouted at the glass.

  “you’re going to regret this,

  you always do,”

  the glass warned back.

  “no one gives a shit if i do it,”

  she reminded them both.

  “this is a permanent decision

  based on a temporary emotion,”

  the mirror pleaded.

  “hair grows back, dumbass.”

  *snip*

  FAIR

  life isn’t fair

  but it’s unfair to everyone

  so that’s fair i guess.

  ORGANS

  a man told me that in the hour before he proposed to his wife,

  she kept complaining that she had to pee.

  they couldn’t find a restroom,

  so, he popped the question anyway.

  she said yes.

  she didn’t realize until hours later,

  after they had dinner and called everyone

  in their contacts to share the news,

  that she never did pee.

  may your heart always be fuller than your bladder.

  QUOTES

  “i’m not gonna lie.”

  —someone who’s about to lie

  “i hate drama.”

  —a very dramatic person

  “i don’t care what people think.”

  —an insecure individual

  “i’m not like other girls.”

  —a particularly predictable girl

  “i would like a snack.”

  —me

  DOG

  i’m a wounded animal;

  if you corner me, i’ll bite.

  but, baby, i don’t want to hurt you;

  i bare my teeth in fright.

  RESOLUTION

  MATCH

  sometimes you need to pick yourself up,

&nb
sp; brush yourself off,

  take a good, hard look in the mirror

  and ask yourself,

  “would i swipe right?”

  DOLLHOUSE

  a paper airplane soaring by

  plaster clouds in a concrete sky

  a tinkering toy box lullaby—

  what a pleasant place to live!

  matchstick buildings line cardboard roads

  a blue paint pond filled with loads

  of clay fish and silicone toads—

  what a charming place to live!

  trees and shrubs propped up with velcro

  where all the porcelain boys and girls go

  lightbulbs glare on a saran wrap window—

  what a lovely place to live!

  a magnificent mountain drawn in pencil

  people mass-produced by stencil

  they warn against it, but you went still—

  what a boring place to live!

  silk petals on plastic stems

  silk hair on plastic friends

  silk stains and plastic bends—

  what a lonely place to live!

  mouths are glued and lips are sewn

  hands are tied and punches are thrown

  permanent marker lines are drawn—

  what a hostile place to live!

  families held together by string

  cross-stitched lives rip at the seam

  close the curtain but start the scene—

  what a fucked-up place to live!

  mommy cries at the ceramic sink

  daddy fixes a grown-up drink

  isn’t it strange and funny to think—

  this is how we choose to live?

  DEVIATED

  these nights are awfully boring

  without your awful snoring.

  SHH

  good things happen when my mind is silent;

  thinking has never done me any good.

  HOME

  sally filed for divorce

  much to tommy’s horror.

  she abandoned their apartment

  but still lived in every corner.

  as he looked at his surroundings

  our boy tom took inventory—

  each knick-knack and nook and cranny

  told a different story.

  so tommy decided frantically

  he couldn’t bear the sheets

  that he shared with his dear sally

  so he sleeps out on the streets.

  it’s not quite the perfect life

  that tommy had envisioned;

  in place of his ex-wife he finds

  his solace with the pigeons.

  he keeps all his belongings

  in a stolen shopping cart

  and the nightly chill of pavement

  soothes his aching, broken heart.

  he’s often hungry, often scared,

  but what else can he do?

  it’s better to be homeless

  than have no one to come home to.

  POETRY

  i want to write you into a poem but can’t find the right synonym.

  every time i try it’s just revision after revision!

  i can’t construct a simile without the right comparison

  so i’m sure you understand the predicament i’m working in.

  i wouldn’t have an issue if my hunt was for an antonym:

  repulsive, boring, lame, stupid, irksome imperfection.

  but there is no single word in any language ever written

  to describe the impossible attributes that you, my dear, were given.

  FLIES

  they told me, “you’d catch more flies with honey.”

  but i don’t want to catch flies.

  i want to kill them.

  TEASE

  if a guy doesn’t answer your texts for three years

  does that mean he’s not interested

  or is he just playing hard to get?

  whatever, i don’t mind taking it slow.

  ARMS

  your embrace was once my safety blanket,

  swaddled so tight and snug.

  encompassed in security,

  i could die inside your hug.

  your embrace is now a straitjacket,

  so tight that i can’t move.

  it’s holding me together but

  i’ll die in a padded room.

  ADVICE 3

  always lock the bathroom door bc 10/10 times it

  prevents an awkward situation but do it even if ur

  home alone bc if a murderer comes u’ll want to have

  time to pull up ur leggings & die with dignity

  DOLLY

  i’ll be your little rag doll when you’re feeling kinda bored,

  even if it means that when you’re not i’ll be ignored.

  i’ll ask to be a real girl though you treat me like i’m fake

  and toss me like a ball without concern that i might break.

  if you’d rather play with trucks or build things with your blocks,

  just shut the lid and turn the key to lock me in your toy box.

  i’ll still be here waiting when you say you wanna play,

  and every day i’ll sit and pray you don’t throw me away.

  ’til that comes, i’ll wait for you to choose me as your plaything

  ’cause every single time you want to use me it’s amazing.

  i’ll admit that when you put me back my spirit falls—

  i don’t know whoever said that boys don’t play with dolls.

  GONE

  i don’t fear death.

  i fear the end of all my thoughts and dreams

  that will disappear into nothingness when i die.

  OCD

  i’m not the best at organizing thoughts,

  but no one’s better at organizing pots.

  i’m ineffective at handling stress,

  but i’m an expert at handling mess.

  life is kinda tough to handle,

  but it’s a breeze to dust a mantel.

  the fear of losing control is mighty,

  but at least your closet’s neat and tidy.

  LOOPHOLE

  SAD

  isfied

  GIFT

  i know it hurt your feelings when i returned what you called presents.

  i wish that i could keep them, but they remind me of your presence.

  FATE

  if opposites attract, my soul mate is going to be

  funny, easygoing, charming, attractive, exciting,

  adventurous, affectionate, amiable, courageous,

  intelligent, rational, affable, brave, humble, neat,

  well-tempered, patient, polite, confident, sensible,

  emotionally stable, and just an all-around gem.

  lucky me!

  PLEASE

  IRONY

  ninety-eight percent of your body is made up of H2O.

  ninety. eight. percent.

  stay hydrated, or else you’ll die of thirst.

  but did you know you can also die from drinking too much water?

  it’s called water intoxication.

  google it, bitch.

  this thing that you literally need to keep you alive will literally kill you.

  ninety-eight percent of you will turn on you in a second.

  water is the reason i have trust issues.

  ANSWER

  we ask ourselves, from womb to grave,

  what are the secrets to life?

  have we created love to save

  ourselves from unwavering strife?

  why bear the pain of childbirth

  just to fade and wither away?

  why were we put on this earth

  if we aren’t allowed to stay?

  why do we read books and learn

  just to forget when we are dead?

  why is it we so anxiously squirm

  and await that day with dread?

  furthermore, who put us here?
r />   but more importantly, why?

  “i’ll live forever!” is insincere,

  but alas, we’ll always try.

  some will seek the fountain of youth

  to reverse the signs of age.

  some will search for unholy truth

  with séances and sage.

  others want the holy grail

  or, maybe, just the quest.

  but all of them will surely fail

  and expire like the rest.

  that is all a myth, of course—

  just stories! it’s all a lie!

  the secret to life (from a reliable source)1

  is simply, just don’t die.

  * * *

  1. wikipedia

  ADVICE 7

  deal with ur problems right away dont ignore them

  it’s like when u drop an ice cube & it seems like no big

  deal so u ignore it then it turns into a puddle & before

  u know it ur sock is wet & that all could have been

  avoided so dont run from ur problems or else u’ll

  end up with wet socks

  NEW

  heartbroken women

  cut their hair

  in hopes that

  removing dead ends

  will somehow

  make them feel

  alive again

  LA

  you’re gonna miss me every time it rains

  in this town that floods from lack of drains.

  the storms here are light and very rare

  so the city streets are unprepared.

  but you and me, we like the water

  and the eerie chill that comes thereafter.

  so when i’m gone and you’re stuck in traffic