Adultolescence Read online

  when your eyes shut, he opens his blinds.

  it’s time for you to rest after your hard day’s work,

  but his is just beginning.

  after all, someone’s got to produce the movies

  you’re going to watch all night.

  someone’s got to make you fly

  across the orange and cloudy sky.

  someone’s got to paint the picture

  of the guy who’s a weirdly sexy mixture

  of your fifth-grade substitute english teacher

  and that one famous television preacher.

  he’ll make you bold and unafraid

  to fearlessly take center stage

  and give the performance of a lifetime—

  all while you’re tucked in tight at bedtime.

  but art isn’t always beautiful, it isn’t always kind.

  art is pain, art is fear, art is insecurity.

  not all movies are romance or comedy.

  some films are drama or horror,

  some are psychological thrillers . . .

  and the artist doesn’t play favorites.

  he makes you fly, but he’ll let you fall

  into an abyss where you’ll have to crawl

  through an obstacle course of bones and mud

  to greet a vampire who wants your blood.

  someone’s got to sketch the monster

  with venomous teeth and flea-ridden fur.

  if you find you’re naked in public, blame him;

  he’s the douche that will make you swim

  through dismembered limbs and severed heads—

  all while you’re safe and sound in bed.

  for every dream, there is a nightmare,

  and each night’s sleep is a gamble.

  so try and enjoy the show

  ’cause either way, sleep is inevitable.

  oh, and i forgot to mention,

  sometimes he’ll force you to make out with your cousin,

  that fucking pervert.

  EXPIRED

  i find people who suck me dry,

  or maybe they find me.

  i’ll always lend a helping hand,

  but for me there’s no guarantee.

  that is, of course, unless i have

  something they might need.

  looks like the price of loneliness

  has an exchange rate of greed.

  but i’ll hang with peeps who take what they can

  then vanish without a trace,

  ’cause i guess that being all used up

  is better than going to waste.

  WAR

  every day is just

  a battle between

  am i too hungry to sleep

  or too tired to eat

  BEAUTY

  statistics show that beautiful people have it easier,

  but i think in a lot of ways they have it way harder.

  it sucks that they’re constantly reminded of their looks

  and honestly kind of personally punished,

  because just like you can’t help it that

  you’re smart

  or good at guitar

  or a born dancer

  they can’t help it that they’re pretty.

  i don’t think it’s fair that pretty people’s accomplishments

  are downplayed and chalked up to getting special treatment.

  i can’t tell you how many times i’ve heard someone

  comment on a woman’s success with

  “must be nice to have big tits.”

  believe it or not, it’s possible to have big tits

  and also big dreams.

  it’s possible to have a great ass

  and also a great work ethic.

  it’s possible to have a unique face

  and also a unique sense of humor.

  even people with jobs reliant on appearance

  still work their perfect, round asses off to be better

  than all the other beautiful unicorns in their field.

  God graces everyone differently.

  some people were graced with a high IQ.

  some people were graced with musicality.

  some people were graced with coordination.

  some people were graced with beauty.

  good for them.

  ORDER

  i saw a woman at a restaurant

  choke on her meal and collapse.

  i’ll have what she’s havin’.

  PRINCESS

  real-life love is a lot like a fairy tale.

  you gotta kiss a few frogs to find your prince,

  and sometimes they give you warts.

  WRECK

  “hop in,” he said, “trust me, i’ll drive.”

  then we went for the most magical ride.

  he took me on a private VIP tour

  and he showed me roads i’d never traveled before.

  then he started to speed faster and faster.

  “slow down!” i yelled, to avoid a disaster.

  but he kept on rolling, quick and brash,

  and before we knew it, there was a

  CRASH.

  we survived, i’m alive;

  but i’m covered in bruises and achy inside.

  now i’m nervous in ways i wasn’t before—

  i’m fearful of cars and everything’s sore.

  sometimes there’s no cut or gash

  but you still feel the nagging bitch of whiplash.

  some people want to rush to the future;

  you can live in the fast lane, but the end comes sooner.

  OUCH

  his hand in my hair

  and his smile on my lips;

  this is gonna hurt.

  i bet you read that

  and didn’t even realize:

  that’s a haiku, bitch.

  EARTHQUAKE

  the earth is shaking,

  i am the epicenter

  where the fault ruptures.

  another haiku?

  this is some middle school shit.

  did i do this one right?

  PERFECT

  you’re the funniest person i know.

  besides bob from work, that guy’s a riot.

  you’re the kindest person i know.

  well after my sister, she makes me pancakes when i stay over!

  you’re the best listener i know.

  besides my cat, she never cuts me off.

  you’re the most trustworthy person i know.

  besides father kevin, but that goes without saying.

  you’re the best-looking person i know.

  in person, that is. have you seen some of these instagram models?!

  you’re the most talented person i know.

  if i’m not counting myself. i mean, have you read this book?!

  you’re okay i guess.

  i think we should see other people.

  SCOOCH

  life isn’t about “fitting in,”

  it’s about finding people who move over.

  GROW

  i’ve never understood “you’ve changed” as an insult.

  if people didn’t change, we wouldn’t have the wheel

  or refrigerators

  or hd tv.

  without change, we wouldn’t have modern medicine

  or technology

  or froyo that tastes like birthday cake.

  if people didn’t change, we would still be wearing diapers.

  we’d still be afraid of the monsters under our beds.

  we’d still be doing that weird thing with our makeup

  that we did in middle school that our sister tried to tell us

  looked bad but we insisted that she was just jealous.

  maybe that was just me.

  but we wouldn’t know the quadratic formula

  or the periodic table of elements

  or the dewey decimal system.

  well, i guess that wouldn’t really matter that much.

  peopl
e would still think the earth was flat!

  what? that’s a thing again? huh.

  the point is, change is learning. change is growth.

  change is beautiful and powerful and necessary.

  so please, tell me i changed, because as far as i’m concerned,

  that’s no insult.

  that’s the best compliment you could give me.

  before i changed, i was sad

  and insecure

  and defeated.

  before i changed, i felt small

  and alone

  and fearful.

  before i grew up, i acted in a way that was brash

  and defensive

  and combative.

  yes, i’ve changed.

  thank you for noticing.

  IDENTITY

  i’m the cockiest most insecure confident self-conscious self-assured anxious proud self-loathing person i know.

  IDK

  i dunno, yanno?

  FILLER

  some of these poems were written because inspiration

  struck,

  others were written because i had a deadline and

  needed

  to

  fill

  pages.

  can you guess which are

  DRINK

  people are really weird about handing homeless people money.

  “i’d rather buy them a meal,” they say.

  “they’ll just spend it on booze,” they say.

  so what if they do?

  it’s not just alcohol they’re drinking, it’s an elixir.

  it’s not the liquor they’re buying, it’s the numbness.

  food will make them full, but maybe they’d rather empty their minds,

  if only for a few hours.

  you like a drink after a “hard day at the office,”

  i think this guy deserves one after his hard night on the street.

  just give the guy a buck, would ya?

  GAMES

  i don’t know if i should play hard to get

  or give in,

  because i want you to miss me,

  but i’m afraid that you won’t.

  IMMORTALITY

  what if, one day,

  they make kids read this shit in english class.

  it would only be way after i’m dead and gone, of course.

  students would moan in agony at their poetry assignment.

  i’d love to watch a teacher tell them what it “means”

  and then quiz them on its “meaning.”

  i won’t be around to correct them, of course.

  then again, i guess poetry is open for interpretation.

  regardless, it’s gonna make for a lot of miserable pupils.

  so many way cooler things you can be doing:

  eating, if energy hasn’t been shrunk to pill form by then;

  tweeting, if that’s still how people stroke their egos by then;

  fucking, if that’s still how people stroke each other by then.

  sure bummed i won’t be around to see it.

  anyway, apologies in advance.

  ADVICE 12

  growing up my mom always put the broken egg shells

  back in the carton & it made me want to kill her in

  her sleep but guess wut now im a grownup & i put

  the egg shells back in the carton bc u know wut it’s

  convenient & distributes some of the weight & also

  doesnt hurt anyone so like dont give ur parents such a

  hard time theyre not always wrong

  TROLL

  if you’re someone who hates without a cause,

  someone who can’t get their filthy paws

  off their keyboard long enough to count to two—

  i don’t hate you back, i feel bad for you.

  your venomed words can’t break my callus;

  i know there’s pain behind your malice

  ’cause the thing you hate in everyone else

  is probably the thing you hate most in yourself.

  CHASE

  sometimes the person you want

  will make you chase them.

  so . . .

  chase chase chase.

  run run run.

  burn lots of calories.

  while you’re at it, do some squats.

  throw in some strength training.

  sweat sweat sweat.

  clean up your diet.

  don’t forget to stretch!

  chase chase chase.

  pretty soon you’ll catch them!

  and then

  run run run

  away.

  you have better ways to spend your time

  than with someone who made you

  chase chase chase.

  plus, now you’re smokin’ hot

  and out of that douchebag’s league.

  go, you!

  SMALLTALK

  hey, you.

  person who needs to fill the silence.

  yeah, you.

  the one who would rather chat about the weather

  than let a moment go without sound.

  uh-huh, i’m looking at you.

  the guy who has to hush the quiet.

  what are you so afraid of hearing?

  KNOTS

  your heart works harder than any other muscle.

  it’s got enough to worry about having the responsibility

  of pumping blood through your entire body to deal with

  the extra strain you put on it with all these high hopes and romantic thoughts.

  all i’m saying is i think it deserves a massage.

  PERSPECTIVE

  STUFFED

  you’re an all-you-can-eat buffet.

  everything i’ve ever craved,

  and everything i didn’t realize i wanted

  until i got a taste.

  you’re chocolate sauce on pizza,

  peanut butter on a cheeseburger,

  an eclectic mix of things

  that shouldn’t belong together,

  yet somehow perfectly do.

  you satisfy my primal hunger

  and satiate my sweet tooth.

  i always save room for dessert.

  but i don’t live here,

  and i know that soon the waiters

  will start to get antsy

  and i’ll have to go home.

  until that moment comes,

  i’ll eat as much as i can,

  sample every delicacy,

  enjoy every morsel,

  cherish every bite,

  overindulge,

  make myself absolutely sick

  so that i can remember this feeling—

  this full, uncomfortable, simageatisfied feeling—

  when i wake up hungry.

  FIN

  did you read this book cover to cover?

  or did you skip around a bit?

  did you share it with a friend or lover?

  you better not have, make that bitch buy their own copy.

  i want a lamborghini.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  gabbie hanna is a web-based comedian and vlogger known for her YouTube channel The Gabbie Show, which has millions of subscribers. She is a graduate of the University of Pittsburgh and currently resides in Los Angeles. For more information, visit The Gabbie Show on YouTube and Facebook and @thegabbieshow on Instagram and Twitter.

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  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Cover Typography by Joel Holland

  Names: Hanna, Gabbie, author.

  Title: Adultolescence / Gabbie Hanna.

  Description: First paperback edition. | New York CIty : Keywords Press, [2017]

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017033612 (print) | LCCN 2017028569 (ebook) | ISBN 9781471169465 (ebook) | ISBN 9781501178320 (softcover) | ISBN 9781471169465 (ebook)

  Subjects: | BISAC: POETRY / American / General. | POETRY / General.

  Classification: LCC PS3608.A71544 (print) | LCC PS3608.A71544 A6 2017 (ebook) | DDC 811/.6—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017028569

  ISBN 978-1-5011-7832-0

  ISBN 978-1-4711-6946-5 (ebook)